Sit down before you read this.
We've got to talk.
Look. This is going to piss you off. This is going to look like I'm causing problems.
I'm not causing problems. I'm just pointing out where problems already exist.
Your publishing company has treated me like a bitch over the last year. This is partially my fault, because I've let S&S treat me like a bitch. But it's also your fault, because you nurture and work with artists, and artists really really really deserve to be taken good care of by their publishing house.
I'm not naturally an artist. I'm kind of sort of a businessman. That's why I've finally got the nerve to write what I've been thinking for a year now -
Your company fundamentally mistreats its editors, writers, and all its staff. If you don't change course, you're fucked and out of business very soon.
I don't say that as an artist. I say that as a businessman. Your company is stuck in the year 1850 or whatever, when ships came from England with books to sell to the New World.
Your company (and indeed, whole industry) is stuck in slavery-era thinking.
And it's bad business.
So, we've got to have a chat.
The Backstory Starts in Southeast Asia
After you read this, I suspect you'll be saying, "How the fuck did we get in this position? WHOSE FAULT IS THIS?!!"
So, for your convenience, and for the entertainment of the reading public, let's go through how we got here.
On 23rd December 2010, your publishing house agreed to sign me with a $65,000 advance.
I'm under the impression that's pretty good for a first-time author, especially one as raw in writing quality as I was. But I really hit it off with the signing editor, Matthew Benjamin, and my agent, Jim Levine.
(Sidenote: Guys, I'm really fucking sorry to put you in the position I just did. You guys are both great, and I'm going to explain that you're great and that the industry as a whole is fucked in a moment. But sorry for the tidal wave this is about to unleash.)
This was good news. I'd been panicked a little, to tell you the truth... my chief project had been consulting on high technology for the hospitality industry. My partner, Yifei Zhang, was and is incredibly brilliant, one of the most talented people I know.
Yifei and I built out processes for hotels to increase occupancy and revenues, and he was going to come meet me in Southeast Asia once we were ready. He designed a beautiful site (reachadventurers.com) that was about half-finished, and we had various creative and brochures and things like that.
This was happening in parallel with Jim Levine selling the book to various publishers, including your house.
Now, I've always been tenacious. If something important has to be done, give it to me.
Thus, I started "commando'ing" my way into high end hotels by just showing up and insisting that something really important was happening. I met the Director of Sales and Marketing at Caravelle in Saigon (I totally embarrassed myself with a terrible pitch) and I met the General Manager at the Sheraton (who was really cool, and we talked for three hours and he referred me to their head office in Singapore along with useful information about the whole industry).
We weren't selling yet, but we had enough money for six months. Yifei was ready to quit his job, and we'd work full-time, starting in Malaysia and then moving to Singapore.
Yifei gave notice, and... his boss recognized he was a genius, and offered to triple his pay to stay, along with letting him hire six people and run his own skunkworks mini-division.
That motherfucker. What a smart move.
Yifei asked. He felt guilty. I told him take the offer. Amazing opportunity. And he'd never made real money before.
So Yifei was out, and I didn't want to run Reach by myself. I'm not sure what was coming up.
And then - two days later, Jim lets me know we've got agreement and I'm publishing with you guys!
Title: for contract – How to Make a Self-Made Man; but final title subject to mutual approval of Author and Publisher
Length: 50,000 – 60,000 words
Delivery: July 1, 1011
Territory: world rights, all languages
1/3 on signing
1/3 on D&A
1/3 on first publication (which would probably be somewhere between January – June 2012) but no later than 12 months after Publisher’s acceptance of the manuscript
Staring At The Harbor
Our "due date" was July 1st. Cool! Let's work fast, and bang this out of the park!
Carolyn, I was really excited to work with you guys.
Really, really excited.
I can't even tell you how excited. Jim thought my first book wouldn't be a good fit, so I was going to write a new one from scratch from the outline I was given.
No problem! You know Nietzsche wrote Zarathustra in only three sets of one day each of manic writing?
I'm cyclothymic too. Like Nieztsche and Byron and those guys. Albeit, much less talented; I'm just saying I got the same affliction.
What's a cyclothymic? It appears that we feel emotions more strongly than other people, and cycle through them. I'm fucking awesome when I'm manic, I can rapidly invent, experiment, implement, advance science, build systems, recruit and hire people, and just massively do unhumanly large amounts of stuff. Cyclothymic mania is when the SPIRIT OF GOD is within you.
Most people wouldn't get it. Couldn't get it.
Anyways. It's pretty fucking awesome when it's going on. SPIRIT OF GOD WITHIN YOU. Imagine that, eh?
There's just one problem.
I need to feed the mania to keep it going. If I can chain manic successes together, it grows and I can go through multiple year-long mania runs where I travel through 60+ countries, explore the world, do massive deals, get invited to stay in mansions and villas and go to top nightclubs and parties and whatever.
Jut one rub - it's a Faustian Bargain - crashing is... well, "hell" is a cliche, so I can't use that. I'll try to explain.
The more structured my life is, the better people around me, and the more resources I've deployed intelligently, the less likely I crash. But when a convergence of bullshit strikes, then I crash hard and I'm fucking useless for a while. It's a real bummer, I'll tell ya. All you think about when crashed is drowning. I mean, literally drowning, I'll stare the harbor in Hong Kong and think it's be pleasant to be under the water. I have to just remind myself that when I'm uncrashed I'll be glad I'm still alive, and someday I'll probably be manic again, and then I can get back to serving humanity.
July 11th! Woohoo!
But then... your publishing house kind of drops the ball.
There's some back and forth talk, but I didn't a copy of the final contract to sign until 1st March 2011.
But fine, I signed quickly. Let's get to work!
Never Have Only One Thing Going
Now Carolyn, I've got to explain something. When someone doesn't do what they say, and you keep soldiering on, you're letting them treat you like a bitch.
You guys had already dragged ass for more than three months after we had agreement in principle. Then we sign, and the contract calls for payment "Immediately."
Now, how immediate is "Immediately"?
I'm sure it's a settled question in American legal law, but I'm not going to bother researching it. I'm sure it's not --
-- wait! Let's play a game!
Carolyn, how long do you think it took your publishing house to pay me your contractually obligated "immediate" payment?
C'mon, guess before I tell you.
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Guess!
Three hours? The same day? The next day?
The same week?
Carolyn, do you think your publishing house paid me the same month? We signed on the 1st of March. Do you think you paid in March?
Hmm. I bet you know where this is going.
And it's not like we've got any surprises coming up. We had agreement in December of the previous year, and you already dragged ass.
You paid me on 18th April 2011, six and a half weeks after "immediate" payment was due.
Unfortunately, I just accepted this nonsense.
At that point, I had demonstrated that I was a bitch that would accept table scraps from your company, and I started subsequently being treated like a bitch.
The Downward Spiral Begins
So, I'm not entirely sure, but I think your company signed me because I have interesting ideas, and I know how to market them. The team at Simon and Schuester's Touchstone division (who are great btw, sorry S&S Touchstone team for causing you a headache right now) - well, I was on the phone with THE WHOLE TEAM right away.
You guys were serious and ultra-professional in December. And you were excited with me. Particularly my marketing savvy - the Touchstone team commented that I was extremely prepared (and they were impressed with that), clearly I understood marketing very well (and they were impressed with that), and they thought I had a chance at being "the next Tim Ferriss" (!!!!). (Sidenote: I think Tim Ferriss is much better at marketing than me.)
So yeah, you guys wanted my writing and marketing ability.
But now, shit's about to get ugly.
Subject: Has there ever been a moneyback guarantee on a print book?
I had an idea that might be interesting. Moneyback guarantees are pretty thoroughly proven to increase conversions and sales online. What if we printed this on the first or second page of the paper book?
This Book Rocks Your World, or It’s Free
To the best of my knowledge, this has never been done before.
I think this book contains excellent insight and guidance in it. The whole thing is tested and has been effective with a variety of people. But if you buy it, try the ideas, and they’re not worth what you paid, I’ll buy your copy from you. Go to:
And there’s instructions on how to sell me your copy of the book. I’m leaving this offer open for all of 2012.
I’m confident that I can serve you with this writing. If I can’t, you’re not out any money. So, read on and enjoy. Thank you.
Your loyal strategist,
On the terms and conditions of the guarantee, we specify that they've got to read some of the book, that it applies for only 2012, and then we set up a way that isn't a headache to deal with it. (Maybe they submit proof of purchase and proof of donation to a library or something? Screwing around with return inventory is a nightmare, probably much cheaper just to let them keep it) In the guarantee T&C, we also specify that it only applies if the store they ordered from doesn't offer their own guarantee first.
I think this could spur an increase in buying definitely, but more importantly I think it could be a really nice angle for the media and for people to talk about.
Could we try to do something like this? I think this could be really a boon for our marketing and PR.
I don't know Carolyn. Maybe it's a bad idea. But it is an idea, and it got no play from you guys.
Okay, whatever. At least you spent some time implementing the three hour long design brief I wrote for the cover, giving specific recommendations and historical comps?
Alas, no. When I got the cover, they totally ignored everything about my audience, my goals, my notes I gave you guys, and whatever else. I re-wrote notes, and they were ignored. So much for "meaningful consultation"!
I'd list more, but it's all the same sort of thing. Suffice to say, I kept coming with ideas that might or might not work, and getting back nothing or less than nothing in return.
But The Worst Part...
...is that I kept being given pseudo-deadlines, meeting them, and then whoever would be on vacation and wouldn't reply for a couple months. I burned fucking hard in Tokyo to meet my deadlines, BRUTALLY working on nothing else to get some stuff to Matthew...
...and then he's on vacation, and didn't tell me. On the supposed very important deadline day.
So I kind of crashed. Hard.
I was pretty invested in this emotionally, and I'm usually able to will things to work. But here? It's not happening. I'm being blown around in the wind, and I can't figure it out.
It's Not The Editor's Fault. It's Your Fault.
It's not Matthew's fault. Matthew's fantastic, he pushes me, he's very intelligent and well read, and I like him a lot. (Sidenote: Sorry for doing this, Matthew.)
Here's the thing - it's the year 2011, and you guys lack basic technology calendaring. Your editors don't work with your marketers. There's no rudimentary project management system in place. There's no consistency or fairness or transparency in the author's contract process. You guys don't keep your own promises.
It's not Matthew's fault. Matthew's overworked, underpaid, and I imagine he's somewhat frustrated with your company's bullshit as well. In fact, I think everyone is frustrated with your whole industry's bullshit, which is why traditional publishing is dying.
You need better tech.
You need to pay your people better, equip them better, give them better tools and resources, and kill as much of the bureaucracy and paperwork they do. Matthew spends all his damn time dealing with internal bullshit, doesn't work hands-on with marketing people very often (your marketers and editors don't work together Carolyn! Do you know how fucking stupid that is in 2011?!!), and his authors wind up pissed off and disrespected.
I'm not much of an artist, really.
But let's play pretend. I'll be a pretend artist. You too, Carolyn. Pretend you're an artist.
You're kind of up and down, which is a common temperament for art-making people, especially weird-paradigm-shifting-art-making-people. You're really excited, since you've dreamed for forever of getting published.
All you do is work on the project, highly motivated.
They keep jerking you around and treating you like a bitch.
You're kind of afraid of them, because the contract you signed gives them all the power and you none.
(Sidenote, Carolyn: Fix that. Less draconian contracts will make it easier to build the goodwill and collaboration necessary to make art. The Sword of Damocles hanging over the writer's head doesn't help. Really, I promise it doesn't help. Trust me on this if you can't understand me.)
So, do you think you can make great art in those working conditions? Where you're being mistreated, not cared for, ignored, lied to, and having your "great marketing ideas" just fall into dust?
C'mon now. And mind you, I'm a hell of a lot less sensitive than most artists; I'm not even an artist, really.
This is 100% not the editor's fault, who is great. Jim apologized to me. He said, "Sebastian, I'm sorry, it's just how the industry works... I'm sorry, I wish I could say more, but it's how it operates!"
Carolyn, that's a fucking problem. It's 2011, you're running a sinking ship, and it's "just how it operates."
Matthew's not a problem.
Jim's not a problem.
Your designer (who is good - I bet he'd have done good work if he ever saw my design brief) is not the problem.
I don't think I'm the problem.
Maybe I'm just a problem, and should be really grateful you were maybe going to publish me, and should just accept that I have to play by your rules, be ignored, be lied to (yes, lied, Carolyn - when you said you're going to do something and sign your name to it, and don't do it, we call that lying), and otherwise just be jerked around?
But I don't think I'm the problem.
I don't even think you're the problem, really. Maybe it was rude of me to call you out personally. It's not your fault, you took over the ship in 2008 and you're trying to keep it on course in a disinterested corporate conglomerate that's all about P&L and various draconian bureaucratic bullshit.
I think the system is the problem, it's broken, and should be fixed.
Not Afraid Any More
Carolyn, I'm sorry for calling you out. I hope I didn't ruin your Wednesday too badly.
I'm not here to make you feel bad. I wanted you to see it from my perspective.
See, I stuck with you because I was afraid.
I was scared.
I thought I needed you as recently as ten days ago.
Ten days ago, a catalystic process happened. I'm back on the insane upward trajectory I was on a couple years ago. I just signed a business contract that pays me $40,000 to $700,000 in 3 months based on performance. It's 54 times the highest 30 consecutive days net profit, on high dollar products - the equivalent of 4.5x annualized. If you plug some numbers in, it comes out pretty big pretty quickly. I'm willpowering a business to exist that didn't before, just hired seven top-notch people at top of market pay plus fantastic benefits, and I'm arming them to the teeth with a top designer, a market researcher, tons of resources, and all sorts of great things.
And you know what? It's not even all that expensive!
I'm building so fast with so little money... it's amazing what you can do when everyone is in sync with no politics, no bullshit, everyone committed, and pure love and support.
Anyway, taking this position put me over capacity. From now until February, I'm at 180% to 240% of my maximum possible capacity at the current rates, obligations, coordination, and resources I have.
So you know what? I just told everyone in my life that they've got to do better to stay in my life. Not just be more professional or work harder or coordinate better.
But really do better, on a philosophical level.
I called out one guy who has always been difficult that I worked for. Whenever I had a great idea for him that would make his business run better, he'd drag ass on implementing it, make me explain myself 10,000 times, I'd have to press him and he'd complain about the littlest expense or commitment.
And this, despite the fact that I've made him tens of thousands of dollars!
So I told yesterday, "Hey! You don't appreciate me enough! Every time I have a good idea for you, you get pessimistic and stupid and whine. STOP IT AND BE MORE GRATEFUL THAT I'M MAKING YOU MONEY."
He starts to say, "Well, I've got to be carefu--"
And I say, "No you don't! How much money have I made you?"
And he says, "A lot."
I say, "Yeah. At least 20 grand you wouldn't have. So STOP BEING A BITCH WHEN I WANT TO MAKE YOU MONEY. AND BE MORE GRATEFUL."
And he starts to dislike that, and I say it again, but louder. And then he offers me equity in his company worth something like $180,000 to $360,000 if I implement all the ideas he'd been demurring on.
Jesus. Where was all this when I was being nice?
Most Artists Aren't Businessmen, And Thus...
...you know, Carolyn, or whoever, I'd like you to treat me better, appreciate me more, and use my talent so we're all very successful.
But that won't be enough.
Most artists aren't businessmen. So they'll stay afraid, desperate, clinging to your company like a life-raft in a sea of obscurity and toil.
But your raft has holes in it. It's sinking.
It's really, really sad.
Artists expect to do art with you, and they instead get bullshit.
We can't work like this.
I don't know. Maybe other people can take being disrespected by a gigantic corporate clusterfuck, but you're missing like 90% of my talent.
Matthew wrote me. The last batch of my writing is apparently up to snuff. Quite good, even!
I'm almost done.
But you know what? The book isn't right. It's like, 20% mine, 20% Matthew's, 10% Jim's, and 50% corporate clusterfuck.
I could put my head down and just grind, get it done at 4AM before I go to work, and whatever.
But you know what? You're now the people in my life who treat me the worst.
I mean, you've really treated me like dogshit. And I stuck around because I was afraid.
Who am I? Well, fundamentally I'm just some dude. If I'm saying anything that doesn't make sense or doesn't jibe with your experience, and the publishing industry is actually doing awesome, then go ahead and write me off and go back to your process.
But okay. You already know your industry isn't healthy. So you should very carefully evaluate how reality-based I am before making any decisions. Does what I'm saying make sense?
You've got a couple options:
Option 1: If you still want to publish me, I've got to know that things are going to get better.
Yes, you've got to do better by me. Clearly.
But not just me. Everyone you work with, everyone's whose lives you touch.
You need to do some sort of audit of all of S&S looking for stressful bureaucracy, unfriendly things for editors, lack of modern collaboration and technology, and unfriendly hostile terms to authors.
At a BARE MINIMUM, you establish basic project management, basic calendaring, drastically simplify the standard S&S contract, and provide plenty of paid time for knowledge share between different branches of the company so that editors and marketers work more intimately together and get in sync. Then start treating your editors like GOLD, kill their stupid bureaucracy requirements and let them run more freely.
That's the bare minimum.
I have other suggestions. I think you should get together with the other publishers and lobby Congress to let you automatically turn all paper books into digital form and pay a 3x higher royalty to any author who doesn't opt out of the deal.
I think you really ought to speed up. It's not so hard. Modern businesses run fast, there's people who know how to make that happen. Three months from agreement in principle to contract, followed by a six week breaching-of-contract delay? Not okay. Amazon's publishing wing doesn't make mistakes like that.
Oh, and you really need some new angles on marketing and distribution. You guys don't get my generation at all. You need to let your bright authors try crazy things. You're in a hits-based business, stop being so damn conservative. You need more big winners, which requires letting abstract creative thinkers try weird crazy stuff.
Option 2: Cancel My Ass, And Do Whatever Bad Things You Can To Me
I wouldn't blame you after this stunt I just pulled!
Look, I'm sure you're all unhappy with me. I'm not saying pleasant things.
But here's my basic message:
*Your industry is fucking slow
*Your industry disrespects authors
*Your industry under-equips and disrespects editors
*Your industry is lacking basic modern technology
*Your industry uses draconian contracts with artists which destroy goodwill
*Your industry is conservative about trying new things despite being in a deathspiral (this is the most confusing one to me)
*Your industry doesn't foster a good enough collaboration among basic functions like editing and marketing
*Everyone knows this, and thinks it's okay "because that's how publishing is"...
*...but it's not okay, and we all know that deep down...
*...so, do something about it before it's too late.
Anyone is welcome to republish this in full or in part, anywhere, without asking for permission. Have fun.
I can't help but think I'm one of the many devout readers of this blog and GSV that pretty much never comment. We 'lurkers' likely read this post (yes the whole thing, not just 1,000 words of it) and cheered him on! Way to go Sebastian, Let 'em have it!
Those that regularly read this blog and GSV know that Sebastian's a very patient and extremely gracious guy. A Guy who's willing to go the extra mile for people that do good by him. A Guy that gives people the benefit of the doubt. Sebastian's not easily provoked. His prior posts mention the dangers of arguing, complaining, and fighting. He has stated that it is so much better to continue moving forward with whatever it is your building instead of getting sucked in and providing attention to the naysayers. Yet he's made it clear (now and in the past) that there is a line that should not be crossed, and when that line gets crossed, its ok to LET 'EM HAVE IT. Not only is it ok, but if you don't you'll continue to be bullied or otherwise disrespected.
As a reader, I've observed that over the past few months BIG things have been in the works for Sebastian. His time is constrained now more than ever and he's required to be more productive than ever. He can't afford to be jerked-around right now. Isn't he justified when he expresses frustration about his time being wasted? Isn't it ok to call people out that aren't living up to their commitments? By the way, I don't think he's ever mentioned a book contract on this blog before, other than it being part of a bucket-list. I don't think he did this for publicity. And it is unusual for him to cuss this much (but doesn't it make the point hit home?)
Oh, and the typos...Sebastian's posts often have typos. If you let a misspelled word overwhelm the essence of a person's writing than you've missed out on a ton of good writing, not only here, but pretty much everywhere. He's not an artist, he's a business person, constantly wieghing opportunity costs, therefore his writing reaches a 'good enough' point and he delivers it. Yes there are grammatical flaws, but when something's 97% done and you hold back to fix something as negligible as a few typos then you are missing opportunities elsewhere in life. So he spelled Shuster wrong, big deal, he spelled it how it's pronounced on (think introductions to books on Audible).
Again, Sebastian will freely impart of his time and advice. He does this on a mass scale through this blog and GSV and he will meet or otherwise correspond with people that reach out to him. ,He's not easily provoked and he's not irrational. He's genuine. And so I cheer him on, and everytime I hear Simon and Schuster I'll think of their arrogance and mis-treatment of their revenue sources.
Of course if this letter gets anywhere and they fix the problem, then they wouldn't deserve that reputation. Knowing Sebastian, he would put just as much gusto into letting everyone know of their redemption as he did their failure.
This is incredibly long and more than a little self-absorbed. There are classier ways to do this. You sound like you think you're God's gift to marketing, but you really come off sounding like a bit of an ass no matter how shitty Simon and Schuster have been to you. Some subtlety would do you nicely in this letter. You implicate a lot of people and you could cost them their jobs.
Dude, you realise that any potential client seeking your marketing 'skills' will Google you and find this rant where you show that you cleary have no concept of marketing, no respect for the people you work for or with and are generally going to be too much hard work?
Not very smart for a guy working in marketing. I for one wouldn't hire you now.
Oh, and it would help if you spelled the name of the company correctly if you want them to get the message.
I just couldn't let the opportunity of entering comment #100 on this monument of boldness and honesty pass. *grin*
Allow me to raise a toast to Seb and high-five everyone who became more assertive because to him (as I have)!
Cheers! To many more successed!
That's why so many writers I know are self publishing. The industry is cutting its own throat.
As to those who can't handle a bit of swearing - just close the page. Don't complain. Just close the page.
Your rant is severely diminished by your repeated use of the word "bitch". And you don't do much for your credibility by misspelling "Schuster".
Is the profanity thing generational? From his picture Sebastian looks about my age (late 20s), and this is exactly how I would phrase this kind of letter were I in a similar position. I work very hard at being a lady in public and saving my salty sailor tongue for my private life, but this is how I, all of my friends, and my husband and all his friends speak and would write this kind of rant, and if I were this mad I would not stop to watch my language. So, no, I didn't find the profanity excessive. I also didn't find the rant to be particularly manic. Just unfuriated with stupid pointless bureacracy and outdated methods. Maybe this too is a generational thing...I operate on speed NOW becuase, duh, internet speed is lightspeed. There is no excuse for taking 3 months for a contract or 6 weeks for a wire transfer if you're not using the Pony Express. THERE IS NO REASON FOR THAT IN TODAY'S WORLD OMG SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THERE IS NOT.
Agree with the point above that this could be trimmed to a very powerful "welcome to publishing little boys and girls" post--the message would be more powerful to a wider audience without the personal anecdotes, thought those might be of interest to regular readers here.
Best of luck to Sebastian. And S&S. And the rest of traditional publishing...
I'm just astonished at the number of replies that totally ignored the entire post and digressed off into the realm of pseudo-psychology where everyone feels entitled to diagnose another, and write them off as "mentally inadequate" instead of dealing with the actual meat of their complaints, and acknowledging the validity of their issues.
Sebastian has a point. This business is really screwed up. Profanity and all, the business model is broken. Like many other legacy businesses, I don't see them changing in any substantial way until forced to by circumstances or the bankruptcy courts.
If you haven't been following the saga, I wrote an Open Letter to Simon and Schuster CEO Carolyn Ready saying that they fundamentally mistreat their authors and editors, and their industry sucks.
They first tell me to delete this immediately, then ignore it, and then I get a very politely worded threat delivered via my agent, Jim Levine.
So I made the video, "The End of the Publishing Cartel - Jim Levine, Are You With The Artists Or The Cartel?"
I made a lot of important points, but I wasn't wearing a shirt.
Now, why do that? Am I just crazy?
Since I have no reason what I'm actually gonna type here I decided to just go with this title. It sucks, I know.
Well okay I guess I'm just going to tell a little bit about myself.
- My name is Emma but you can call me Em or whatever you like. Be creative. I dare you.- I'm 19 years old- I'm studying International Media and Entertainment management but after this I want to do my masters in something related to screenwriting.- No I don't actually know what I'm going to do with my life- I'm more of a live in the moment kind of girl. I'll see what life brings to me. (doesn't mean I don't dream about my future though)- English is not my first language (apologies in advance for any annoying mistakes I'm probably going to make)- I love to write. - I'm slightly addicted to television shows and partying.- I'm currently in love with a girl and I have no idea what to do about that.
I get that you want to know more about me and this girl. Well.. let's just say I found out that I was bi last year when I suddenly had a crush on a friend of mine. Okay this totally sucked just so you know. I guess it's always been there I just never realized. Eventually we all got drunk and I told her and urgh it was pretty fucked up but we stayed friends. I think we're pretty good now, as far as possible of course.
Time went by, I kissed some guys (made some mistakes blabla you know it), and well... nothing really happened. I haven't told anyone beside a friend of mine who lives in England and well obviously that girl I had a crush on. My parents sort of know but the last time I tried to bring it up to my mom she got really mad and said it was just a phase. I don't want to make you think that she's a homophobic or something because she's not. She just doesn't really realize that I might be serious about this.