I'm reading "Seeking Wisdom: From Darwin to Munger" right now by Peter Bevelin, which is excellent. Author Bevelin is talking about fear here -
Fear warns us of potential harm and keeps us from acting in self-destructive ways. It helps us avoid threats and makes us act to prevent further damage. Fear guides us to avoid what didn't work in the past. Fear causes worry and anxiety, a normal response to physical danger. It activates hormones like adrenalin and cortisol, which keeps us attentive to harm since we need full attention to escape from a threat.
The degree of fear we feel depends on our interpretation of the threat and our perception of control. The more helpless and vulnerable we feel, the stronger our emotion for fear becomes.
He goes on to give an example of how your body will react if you're walking down a deserted street at night and hear noise behind you. You'll naturally start to breathe faster, grow more aware, etc. - an instinctive response. He continues:
What we fear and the strength of our reactions depends on our genes, life experiences, and the specific situation. You may react instinctively at first, but if the situation is one that you'be experienced before (since our brain is continuously being "rewired" with life experiences), the final reaction may be to calm down. [...] The more we are exposed to a stimulus, even a terrifying one, the higher our threshold of fear becomes.
"The more we are exposed to a stimulus, even a terrifying one, the higher our threshold of fear becomes."
So if you're repeatedly exposed to someone behind you on a dark street at night, and nothing goes seriously wrong - you'll grow less and less afraid of the situation.
Had a conversation with an expert martial-artist friend last week. He was explaining that for new students, one of the most important things is to get over the fear of getting hit. In his classes, he's constantly having people get hit in a variety of ways, so they just don't panic and freeze up.
He's a believer that you're going to inevitably get hit if you fight, and you need to be relaxed and able to keep functioning after getting hit. So they hit each other, for real, a lot. He says he's gotten students from other disciplines where the student had never gotten hit in the face before, not even at slow speeds with protective gear. Then what happens if you're in a real fight and you hit in the face? Totally unprepared, panic, freeze up, things go badly.
Have you ever had nasty things said about you by an anonymous critic? Ever gone to someone's office uninvited and not gotten through? Ever had nasty things said to you during a sales call? Ever been threatened? Financially? Physically?
None of those are that bad. Scary to think about, scary the first time you're there. Dropping in on a potential client uninvited when you can't get through any other way and really want to meet the person? Yeah, it sucks when you get blown off by the secretary. It's even worse if you can get through somehow, fumble your words, and things end awkwardly. Oh, that really sucks. Especially if you have to wait for the elevator or take the stairs out and keep your posture up instead of just deflating after blowing it.
But then you get a coffee and laugh about it later.
And your threshold grows.
Terrifying to think about. Terrifying the first time. It gradually melts away, and you can do more without the fear.
Ever been hit in the face? No? Maybe you want to look into doing it in a safe context...?
Derek Sivers has a thorough review of Seeking Wisdom here.
You might be interested in trying something like the Rejection Therapy challenge? Here's Jason Shen's experience with it.
I was thinking about this the other day. There's a certain something I feel I should be able to do but for some reason I always slip up; maybe hitting myself in the face (figuratively) will fix it?
I can confirm what you said about martial arts, along with many other things. Anyway I'd like to add that one has to allow things to go through. I suggest taking actions that are uncomfortable to you to see that nothing really happens after you do them. For example Tim Ferris in the four hour work week proposes to lay down on the ground for 10 seconds. Now, this is something very uncomfortable to do, but after you do it you see that nothing really happens. It's just an example but I think it's important to let go fear, especially for non-life threatening situations.
Matt Ramos kindly reached out to bring a guest post to us - he's all about exploring and breaking behavior limits, and he talks about that on his blog -http://30vanquish.com
Here's Matt -
Letting Go of Your Ego Enables You to Live Without Limits
“As soon as you try to step outside of the behavioral limits, it gets scary and nasty and ugly real fast.” – Sebastian Marshall
So why should it be so scary, nasty, and ugly?
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” Rumi.
Me: Dear beloved teacher, what is ego? If it is a source of fear and insecurity in my life, why does it exist?
Teacher: Dear student, your ego was your first answer to the question “Who am I?” I think it was an attempt to validate your existence and quantify the value of your existence. In a way, you could say that your ego was your first step in your journey of self-discovery, your starting point. It was an identity cobbled together from the various roles, labels, and beliefs you inherited. Through time and experience, you may have come to believe that that identity is who you truly are.
You can think of the ego as your initial hypothesis and you as the scientist who has tasked herself with testing it. Throughout the day, you conduct consistency checks. True or false: Am I loving? Am I intelligent? Am I beautiful? Am I respectable? Each interaction is a new experiment that provides new information to interpret. Some of it is consistent with your current belief system and some not. Your work is to revise your hypotheses when you receive new information that does not support your initial ones.
The fear and insecurity that we feel associated with our ego does not result from the ego itself but from our resistance to revising this initial notion of ourselves. If we cling to the veracity of our initial hypotheses, then there is no point to conducting the experiments. The richness of the data will be lost to our dogma. Conflicting information will continue to perturb us over and over again, because we will continue to detect an inconsistency, but not progress any closer to our truth.