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Feeling Better vs. Doing Better

My awareness is getting better. Last night, I'd been working in a restaurant near Sukhabatar Square until it closed at midnight. Walking home, I was about to pass through a group of three guys when suddenly this flash of danger kicked in. WarningWarningWarning!!!

I stopped, turned on my heel, and walked in a broad circle around them. One of the guys looked at me. I looked back briefly, but then kept moving.

I'm keeping an eye on these guys because they're kind of sort of in my way in the direction I'm going. I can circle around because I'm at the broad part of the walkway past Sukhabar, so there's two paths. But they're still near me.

As I'm watching, a random passerby walks through the three tough dudes. One of them grabs the passerby by the arm, and starts to try totally hold him. The passerby yells, shouts, shoves, pushes, shakes, and is able to get away and run off towards the night.

My awareness is getting better.

Early On a Sunday Morning

On Where Pianos Roam

I had a little epiphany a couple of days ago while getting ready for my Cafe Coco show on Friday night. The question "Why do I do this?" popped up in my head.  By "this", I mean why am I in the music business--dealing with all the work promoting shows, scheduling practices, booking, website upkeep, practice time, lugging all of my heavy equipment everywhere, and all the little things in between.  It's a mountain of work particularly for a solo artist such as myself. Well, the answer, as it turns out, is the simple fact that I love performing music.  Especially now, after years of overcoming stage fright and figuring out who I am as an artist, I've reached this place where I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing on stage.  Something comes over me, and I'm not the same person that I am off the stage and the rest of the time. It almost feels magical.  I walk on stage.  I sit at my keyboard and this feeling of strength washes over me.  Inevitably, I still get a little nervous, but to me, this is perfectly natural now. Maybe this is what it means to be fully alive.  All of your senses are elevated to a sensitivity rarely achieved.  Your heart is on  your sleeve, and you're giving 200% of  your emotions and yourself. I've often felt that my music is more emotionally driven than anything else.  Whether a song is compelled by a feeling of longing, anger, sadness, loneliness, and even happiness (heaven forbid), I try my best to convey the emotion first before anything.  I guess this is why I get so exhausted after a show.  Not only am I playing like crazy, I'm putting all of my emotion into it as well. So, yes, I love this.  I love all of this.  My objective is not to be rich and famous (though I wouldn't resist it if it ever came along).    I want to create music that I am proud of and to  perform it passionately. I was glad to have this epiphany for my show on Friday night.  It made the experience more joyous and meaningful. Appropriately enough, I started off the set with a song of mine called "This Is Love".  It was fitting and proper for the occasion. This is love indeed. -g0rdon

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