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The Problems With Half-Working

My mind has been scrambled the last couple days. I don't know why, it came on very suddenly. I've made massive strides over the two weeks before - I accomplished about six months worth of work over two weeks. I felt on top of the world. I wasn't even very tired afterwards, I felt good, ready to go.

Then yesterday, just bzzt - nothing. Foggy, almost like confusion. Couldn't focus at all. Strange. I said, y'know what? I haven't had a day off in a while, I'm just going to take the day off. Went and sat at a cafe and listened to some audio for about four hours, walked around and saw the city, went and had a massage, and then sat and ate fruit. Spend like 10 hours in a row just thinking and relaxing, which is good, I don't take full days off very often. I had some good ideas when I was out at the cafe and took some extensive notes, so I got some production out of it too without even trying to.

Now, I wish I could say, "And then I was recharged, and today I was awesome!" But no, I woke up in a fog again. Damn this. I track my time and have some routines to keep me running well, but I was foggy despite it, unable to focus really. Suck, what is this?

I was working, but it was half-working. Now, half-working is a big problem in my opinion. Half-working tires you out as much or more than real full working, but you get about 5% as much stuff done. Yes, 5%. Good work requires something like focus. It doesn't necessarily require the highest levels of focus and flow (though that stuff is very good), but it requires working through the mentally difficult parts when they come up. The worst part about half-work is you cruise through the easy enough stuff, then stumble on a difficult part.

This is doubly bad, because when you come back to your work, you're staring the hardest part in the face. This sucks, you need to kind of regroup and double down to get re-started while staring a difficult or complex part of work in the face. But again, I was in that mental fog and so I start half-working on it, and then I wander off again. And I try to come back to the work, but then - bam, there's this hard problem staring me right in the face, that I already failed to conquer twice.

Why do I stuck so much

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no drive in life, no desire or compunction to do what i need to do

lack of conviction in terms of what's the right choice, constantly getting confused by my own mind. every thought i consider will inevitably lead me to considering another thing. decisions won't be made, only nullified

i instinctively mull over things that don't matter at all, that don't help me achieve the goal i'm working towards. i have formed a habit of letting my mind get distracted by anything, just to "figure something out"

i have a lot of unsubstantiated "knowledge" that I gained from books and passed my logic test, so now they always pop up to "help" me validate the "truth" of a statement. Of course I can never act on something without being completely sure that it will work beforehand. Uncertainty gives me a lot of anxiety and makes me want to give up - like every time i try to code something these days, pondering my next step seems like walking into an abyss. It really shouldn't, I feel like I know enough that it shouldn't be the case, but I think I haven't linked up that knowledge properly. I've assembled it into my web of confusion, but it doesn't help solve problems because it's not linear. the knowledge doesn't know when to pop up, when it's actually relevant. it just pops up all the time. anything tangentially related, and i'll consider it. And this is happening for tons of bits of "knowledge" at once. So I have huge amounts of crap running through my head. I guess this is why I had to use a pad and paper to work through this shit and actually get anything done at Bridgestone

i've always been a space case. i've been convinced of things that i've read just because they make sense, just because they link up with my other knowledge. I've made up theories to explain people's behavior that were utterly stupid, and tried to always keep track of all the possibilities, because I have Asperger's and had no idea how other people really think. All these possibilities stuck around in my head and added to the clutter.

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