"Energy /Morale /Health /Creativity /Intelligence /Focus ---Confusion /Anxiety /Restlessness"
There you go. That's my "Moment-by-Moment Ratings." Whenever I'm feeling off, I run through it. Here's earlier tonight:
--> Current rankings: Energy 6 /Morale 6 /Health 8 /Creativity 4 /Intelligence 5 /Focus 2 ---Confusion 2 /Anxiety 2 /Restlessness 9. Avg: 5.2 positive, 3 negative
It's on a 1 to 10 scale. I copy/paste the blank one, and fill it out. The six "Positive" categories relate to how energetic I feel, how motivated I feel and how I rank my morale and outlook in general, how healthy I feel at that moment, how creative I feel (in an innovating / inventing / "breaking new ground" way), and how smart I feel (more related to number-crunching and raw processing ability... I don't drink any more, but when I did -- three glasses of red wine might have taken my creativity up, and intelligence down).
no drive in life, no desire or compunction to do what i need to do
lack of conviction in terms of what's the right choice, constantly getting confused by my own mind. every thought i consider will inevitably lead me to considering another thing. decisions won't be made, only nullified
i instinctively mull over things that don't matter at all, that don't help me achieve the goal i'm working towards. i have formed a habit of letting my mind get distracted by anything, just to "figure something out"
i have a lot of unsubstantiated "knowledge" that I gained from books and passed my logic test, so now they always pop up to "help" me validate the "truth" of a statement. Of course I can never act on something without being completely sure that it will work beforehand. Uncertainty gives me a lot of anxiety and makes me want to give up - like every time i try to code something these days, pondering my next step seems like walking into an abyss. It really shouldn't, I feel like I know enough that it shouldn't be the case, but I think I haven't linked up that knowledge properly. I've assembled it into my web of confusion, but it doesn't help solve problems because it's not linear. the knowledge doesn't know when to pop up, when it's actually relevant. it just pops up all the time. anything tangentially related, and i'll consider it. And this is happening for tons of bits of "knowledge" at once. So I have huge amounts of crap running through my head. I guess this is why I had to use a pad and paper to work through this shit and actually get anything done at Bridgestone
i've always been a space case. i've been convinced of things that i've read just because they make sense, just because they link up with my other knowledge. I've made up theories to explain people's behavior that were utterly stupid, and tried to always keep track of all the possibilities, because I have Asperger's and had no idea how other people really think. All these possibilities stuck around in my head and added to the clutter.