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The Rare Occasion That Passive Aggression is Called For

It's like I'm not in a cafe any more, but rather receiving a diplomatic corps from a nation I'm at war with. The woman has a "stern and serious fucking business" look on her face, and another waitress is standing alongside her right flank with arms crossed.

I shake my head and try to wave them off, doing the universal "I'm on the phone" gesture, holding up a thumb and pinky finger.

She starts speaking anyways. She's loud and insistent.

"Hold on, Marcus."

I take my headset off. "Yes?"

Being a free agent

On Words & threads

In the past month, I've spent more time doing abnormal things than my regular day to day life's events normally take on. I went across the country, I went to a music festival in the desert, I've neglected my schoolwork, I just watched TV all day, I partied in a wedding dress, I almost quit my job, I've enjoyed myself, and I've not written or sewn anything in weeks. It's been beautiful- but the highs have been balanced by some new negatives. It's been weird.

I've noticed that when I'm thrown off my trajectory, these new habits form and I kind of forget why I chose the things I do as important or fulfilling and let them slip away into the void of other things I'm not doing. For example, missing school allowed me to forget about my laptop's existence, and thus I stopped updating myself on the news and writing on my blog. But being mobile, my phone has eaten up so much of my time. While I know the valuable things to do on the internet are beyond the scope of social media, I've found myself wasting time on the Facebook profiles of people attending my university next year- when I've admitted before that I don't think online perceptions can equate to anything near interpersonal.

In short, my intentions and my minute actions don't match up.

Last night, I helped my sister write a philosophy paper on the concept of free will and the "meshing" of your moral obligations, desires to learn, and personal intuitions/addictions together to create the actions- and therefore if the individual is ever really "free" to make a choice. On one hand, helping her write this college paper made me remember that I actually enjoy academics and that this was enjoyable- and then it also called to mind my own misguided and "meshed" up habits. Am I addicted to wasting time- and why can't my intellectual and personal drive for self betterment override that?

What I have drawn from this is that my priorities matter and I must keep that at a high place in my consciousness if I want to spend my days as I want. It's not enough to be driven by the big picture- and the little picture cannot always be the stable, mundane schedule that I've regulated my life upon (and I wouldn't want it that way anyway).

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